Congrats, Clomper!

Dearest Stankinuts,

I have some special news for you. No, really. I want to share it. I really do. I’m considering making a ribbon for you, or even a certificate.

Here goes. Try not to pass out before walking down the runway with your tiara topping your head.

I have noticed your shoe choice seems directly related to how desperate you are for attention. We have the type of floors, you may have noticed in your brilliant shoe planning, that are not carpeted. Nay. They are, in fact, rock solid. You know what that means. It means when you wear heels (and walk reeeeallllly fast, with your pointy nose up in the air and your mouthful of kuh-razy teeth propelling you forward), we hear you coming. We hear you click-click, or sometimes thump-thump, down the hall.

You’re the loudest person in this office.

So now the good news! WE HEAR YOU! You have been noticed.

In fact, the Office Committee for Employer Noticing has officially drafted a resolution to let your inner child know you have been really, truly, noticed.

(But please, don’t tell your inner child that when we hear you clomping down the hall, our Pavlovian response is instant nausea. But don’t tell your inner child.)

Your TO DO list! (You're welcome.)

Wow. I haven’t had to do this in a while due to boss travels. But Crazy Lady, you’re back, aren’t you? And I have to sound like I’m typing, don’t I? Yes and yes.

I’ve developed a “to do” list for you. If it will help, I’ll post this on the office fridge so you can stay focused on your task list. These ACTION ITEMS will really move you ahead.

Hey, wonderful. My pleasure. It’s the least I can do. I’m just here to cheer you on.

1) Curse more. And with more “umph.” I’m talking volume, pitch, resonance. When you curse under your breath, as you do every 10 minutes (oh, I’m around the corner but you thought I couldn’t hear you, huh?), just GO with it. Give in to it. Ohhhh, sure, screaming curses isn’t really the form around here. It’s not all that professional, but who cares. It’s your world! Your oyster! Scream at it!

2) Dress even less age appropriately. You’re 48 and wear the clothes of a 22-year-old. Why not go all the way with this? I propose that to really keep it “fresh” and “young,” dress like a 6-year-old. This is next level shit we’re talking here. This is the REAL deal for staying “with it.” You could even get way cutting edge and start sporting a ones-y. Throw some pigtails and a bottle into the mix and you’re practically on the cover of TEEN BEAT.

3) Become more callous about your calendar. Oh, sure—right now you double book appointments. Why not triple or even QUADRUPLE book appointments!! THAT will show the world how busy you are. That will show people who is in! charge! Yes! Just think how good it will feel when you have to call not one, not two, but THREE people to say, “I’m so sorry—I didn’t realize this was happening at the same time as something else. I’ll be 6 hours late, ok?”

4) Eat less. Oh sure, your near-anorexic appeal compliments the way you dress (and skinny ladies look GREAT in children’s clothing). But can’t you do MORE on this front? Can’t you just stop eating all together?

In summary, I think you’re doing this whole “I eat like a bird, I’m young, I’m busy” thing halfway. Step it up, ok?

You’re a leader. Start acting like it.

Your vote counts!

I would like to announce my candidacy for fake emailer of the year. My platform includes regular and detailed fake emails AND a willingness to look genuinely interested at my screen despite doing nothing of consequence. I promise tax breaks for all fake emailers out there. And a national e-mail plan to allow all people access to creating fake emails.

Please contribute to my campaign now. Let’s make America great again!

Fake email #7

Susan,

Thanks for getting back to me about the website text! You have a happy holiday weekend.

And bite my ass. Seriously.

Fake email #6

Dear Bossishness,

I like how you marvel at my clean desk. You note how orderly I am, how organized.

Did you ever think my desk is really clean because I don’t DO ANYTHING?

Peace out.

Fake email #5

Brad,

GOOD QUESTIONS and I will get an answer to you as soon as possible!

I am really glad that you loooooooove your job enough to
a) actually read the e-mail I sent you
b) ask a question about said e-mail
c) follow up with a thanks for the answers.

SERIOUSLY, dude? Are you noticing the all caps action here? Cause in the time it took you to write the email thanking me, you could have updated your Facebook status. But you seem to like your job. And be engaged. And care.

Yuk. Yuk to your three e-mails. Yuk, I say.

Fake email #4

Oooh! Oooh! Let’s have a type-off!

I can hear you in the next room, you are typing! And your keyboard is really loud, and it is clicking! Typing typing clicking clicking! Wowww. I bet you are really pleased with your loud typing. It just sounds like you are hitting the keyboard indiscriminately, the way an 8-year-old does when he or she pretends to type.

That’s really neat. Good for you, loud typer.

Oh, there you go again. And you just laughed to yourself. Certainly updating a website is hilarious. And since you’re the boss, you probably want us to know how hilarious you find your own comments and thoughts. It’s good, passive-aggressive instruction, telling us how to respond to your witty retorts and thoughts. What’s that? How could we respond to your thoughts? Oh, didn’t you know? Everyone in the office is psychic. Except you. So we can read your mind.

Do you hear me typing??? Do ya? Great.

Let’s call a typing truce and bring some needed silence back into this office, shall we?

Fake Email #3

Casey,

I did have a question for you. The question is this: Why is it Friday afternoon, with 85 minutes to go, and yet I feel stuck in a tunnel, a vacuum of time and space, where minutes are hours etc etc? Perhaps this has been written about many times. The idea of eternal return. The phenomenon of time standing still during bouts of immense disinterest and/or unhappiness. Perhaps, even, a cursory Googling would solve this mystery.

And yet, I ask you: WHY.

WHY. IS. IT. NOT. FIVE. O. EFFING. CLOCK.

{poof}

Fake Email #2

This is what you call a fake e-mail. But that's cool.

Hey guys: Guess what? I am watching _Postcards from the Edge_ on Netflix. Their "Watch Now!" feature has basically saved my life. Though it has cut down on my fake email writing.

The perils of a narcissistic mother. The perils? The hilarity. The ridiculous, ridiculous layers of inanity. More about that later?

I cannot believe I just had to cut and paste this into the bottom portion of this e-mail. Why? Because if someone ACTUALLY came into my office to stand behind me and talk--or stand around and talk--then they would be able to see the contents of this email. And that would reveal that this email is, in fact, FAKE. Fake email. Fake email. Fake email.

So now, with the moving of the fake portion down into the middle of an existing email and it will LOOK as if I am typing on something REAL!

Hoorah.

Fake E-mail

Cristin,

Thanks so much for getting back to me! Thanks so much for calling! I was really excited you cleared that up. What a relief. What a relief to know how your banquet options work. But you know what? I actually don't care. And it would have been nice to have just gone back and forth via email rather than you taking the time to call me.

Here's why: If we had just e-mailed about ten more times, that's ten rounds of REAL typing I could have been doing. But now that we worked it out on the phone, I am again relegated to fake typing. Oh no, not that the actual typing is fake, but the content is. And that's fun.

It is also fun not to look at the keyboard when I type. I. Got. A. Master's. Degree. For. This.

Thanks so much, Cristin.